Recently, I watched an interview with Kristen Bell, who I always felt like I could relate to, especially because of her die hard love for sloths and we have similar goofy personalities. Anyway, it inspired me to write openly and honestly about my daily struggle with anxiety. I don’t have any other outlet but to put this into the world.

How I feel:

“I shatter a little bit when I think people don’t like me. That’s probably why I lead with kindness, and I compensate by being very bubbly all the time, because it really hurts my feelings when I’m not liked. And I know that’s not very healthy, and I fight it all the time.” –Kristen Bell

I totally did this:

“I changed who I was often,” “I changed my interests based on what my friends liked, and I really didn’t realize that until I was in my 30s — that I had sort of changed for everybody.” I don’t anymore. I got too tired and now I’m myself and that means, I’m by myself a lot.” –Kristen Bell

My Anxiety:

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And that’s the biggest thing; inside I have this irrational dislike about myself. I never feel like I’m worthy or good enough and that my problems are a fucking burden to everyone. Like, why should anyone take the time to care about me? So again, I compensate, by being ultra caring and giving. I don’t know how to let the pain out. I don’t want to talk to anyone about it because again, I feel like a burden or my mom will worry herself into a heart attack knowing her daughter feels like this weight of emotional pain.

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“You can’t escape from your mind”

I feel like I’m being punished. Instead of showing that I’m an unhappy person about all of this, I portray this girl that knows what she wants. I’m consumed with worry, all the time. Worry that I’ll say the wrong thing to people and they won’t like me and think I’m weird. Or not want to be around me because you know what, a lot of the time, I’m not ok. My anxiety and worries causes me to not trust anyone other than my parents. I feel at any given moment a person I’m starting to get close to will abandon me for someone more fun or cooler. I have chosen to not get close to anyone more, to protect myself from something I can control. I did recently slip up and let someone in that I thought could understand me but now I’m scared that they’ll leave me so in turn I have pushed them away.

My anxiety is somewhat invisible. In when I walk into the store, I pray to GOD that no one asks if I need help, or god forbid I run into someone I know and have to fake a smile and talk to them. Sometimes I look like I’m a bitch but honestly, I’m panicking how I can just go home as quickly as possible, and get away from everyone. While I walk through stores, me without make up on, hair not done, and just work out clothes, I feel people staring, thinking, and judging. I want to crawl inside myself and hide. Even when I’m at the gym or outside walking or running, I feel like all eyes are on me and my gross body, or my poor technique. I become overwhelmed and pray that I don’t have to talk to someone or smile at him or her.

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I’m mentally exhausted all the time from my worries and my constant self-reflections on “how I can make myself better or how I can love myself”. The answer right now is I don’t know. I have to find my own way. Maybe it can start here. Writing to myself about my anxiety and what it feels like for me. No one will probably understand, others will judge, others will think, “you should calm down, no one is really looking at you”, etc. But this is my everyday and this is what I live with in my mind. Anxiety is real; I’m not ashamed of it. I can be honest about it. One day, with some work, anxiety will stop running my life or be less in the forefront running the show.

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Addicted to Love

Posted: September 13, 2015 in relationships
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Most of us know that being in a relationship (friend or romantic) is work, just like anything worthwhile is.

I was in a three-year relationship a year after I graduated from college. My college boyfriend and I parted ways shortly before graduation because first, he thought I had a problem with alcohol (I thought he was crazy for ever thinking that), and also, it felt like the next step after college was to start a life together at 23. Neither one of us were ready for that.

Eventually I met Cam less than a year later. I was instantly intrigued. He had a nice tan, a bright smile, and liked the same cocktail I liked (vodka sour). At 24 years old, I didn’t have high standards so I was content with all three of those important characteristics. I pretty much did all the talking during our casual dinner at an Irish Pub and I just figured he was shy. He invited me to sit at the bar with him for a drink or two. I quickly obliged. On his third cocktail, he was full of life. I couldn’t believe my luck for finding this guy. I thought he was perfect.

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Things quickly turned into drama after drama. It all started when I invited a friend at the time on a double date with Cam and his roommate. He cooked all of us dinner and had bought a very expensive bottle of tequila. Of course, we took it upon ourselves to get “shit faced”. During the course of the evening, my friend and Cam disappeared and I went searching for them in my drunken stupor. I opened the door to his deck area, and they were making out right in front of my eyes. I lost all color in my face and screamed, “What the hell” at them and slammed the door. I knew I couldn’t drive home so I had to stay. Not once do I remember him apologizing but he told me I looked beautiful crying. As if that would make everything better and I would forgive his behavior.

I didn’t talk to him all weekend and I was done with him. This was the first time he came crawling back and apologized. I forgave him because I thought to myself no one is perfect. I spent the next month keeping my distance but with daily text messages and calls from him, I didn’t stay too far. I would later find out, this would be a pattern with him. We eventually decided to make it “official” and I was ecstatic to be in a relationship with him. He had shown me that he was committed to me. I roll my eyes now.

It started out extremely shaky, I wouldn’t hear from all weekend at times, and his excuse was that he was used to his last girlfriend and the fact that they were long distance and he didn’t talk to her everyday because she was in law school. I bought it. Quickly, I became suspicious and started to be that insecure girlfriend and would search his phone when he was sleeping. I constantly found texts from girls fending off his advances, or girls writing what a blast last night was and so on. I started to think that he was not a class act, and may or may not be addicted to attention from women and addicted to sex. He would eventually meet a girl that he was really interested in and put me on the backburner saying, “we need to take a break”. I would be devastated every time and I always ran crying to a good friend who would be by my side every single time. That’s true friendship.

Cam came crawling back every time. And I think subconsciously, I enjoyed him chasing me. I felt special, felt loved, and felt needed.

I had taken him back after 5 weeks of not calling or texting me while he was “soul searching” at his mom’s in Oregon. He had lost his job and I knew it really hurt him. In those five weeks, I actually took it upon myself to become interested in someone else. Cam was clearly over it and so was I. Again, I was done, I felt like I had broken free. I look back now and it was obviously really crappy of me to string this other guy along while I tried to forget someone I had grown to really love. Things ended with this other guy and Cam was back. I was very cautious to accept him back into my life. But eventually, we were all in.

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The last year and half of our relationship was almost perfect in my eyes. We had our little routines, songs, etc., just like a real couple. During all that time, he was smoking pot every time I was with him. I didn’t realize that it was a big problem until too late. I started picking up his habits and would bring a bottle of vodka over each time I came over or if he was staying at my apartment. I never thought my behavior was going to sabotage me. I would be hung over at least 3 times a week to the point I was rescheduling my clients left and right. My job was suffering. I was suffering. I was never a drunken mess around him, and he never acted stoned or high around me. When he hadn’t smoked anything, and was without his stash, he would come across anxious, irritable, and a bit different. I would be walking on eggshells.

At the time, I wasn’t drinking to maintain. I was drinking to tolerate being around him. I felt that if I were a little tipsy or drunk around him, I wouldn’t be affected if he did “something” to hurt me. We were both addicts. Addicts to booze and drugs, and to one another.

I was blind to everything; how unhealthy this relationship had always been, how unhealthy our behaviors were, how little to no respect I had for myself, how low my self-worth was, and how much control he had over me. He was never abusive verbally or physically, but emotionally, he absolutely was. He knew how much I loved him and how I would do anything for him (like buy him weed and bring it over, buy him gifts and never ask for anything in return, etc.). Now I see that I was 100% co-dependent on him.

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In March 2011, he broke my heart for the last and final time. I was a complete wreck. The last year and a half with him, I told myself this was the last time and I went all in with my heart. It was one of my alcoholic “fuck it” moments that I came to be very familiar with. I felt like my entire world had been shattered because he was everything to me.

For the next few months, I drank almost every night to help me sleep. It was a behavior of mine that I was used to so I drank to forget him and to avoid my pain. He didn’t come crawling back this time. I remember that he invited me to his house two months later. He said he was going to make me a great dinner. I was hesitant but naturally I went, with a bottle of wine in tow. He proceeded to tell me Help-Me-young-girl-300x221he had moved on and asked if I had. I lied and said yes. I polished off my wine and left. He didn’t make me dinner. I drove home, destroyed all over again. He didn’t call me until Christmas. The conversation was brief and polite but wrecked me all over again. My drinking was becoming a big problem and the rest was history.

I had really moved on and in April of 2014, I received my last voicemail from him. By that time, I had learned a lot of skills from being in 4 months of intensive outpatient treatment, the voicemail no longer phased me, and I knew that if I returned that call, it may or may not send me into a downward spiral. My sobriety was new at this time and I didn’t want to risk it. I was completely done and learned to forgive myself for allowing a person who supposedly loved me to treat me like a doormat.

It’s been over four years now since I last saw him, over two years since we last spoke. He sometimes haunts my dreams (nightmares) but I wake up and realize it wasn’t real. He had an influence on my life and I learned a lot of hard lessons from being with him so it’s hard to completely forget. In the last two years, I have learned a lot about myself, such as what I want in life and what I deserve. I guess that’s the aftermath of having my heart toyed with for so long. I have hope that something or someone will shake that. But with my guarded heart, I’ve learned to put myself first.

I’ve surrounded with myself with the friends I can trust and feel safe around. That might mean I have less friends, but these friends are real, honest, loving, and caring. They may not have been around during those few tumultuous years, but they can understand consuming love and heartbreak. I finally feel understood. And I’m finally 100% okay with being on my own. I actually relish in it. Since high school, I’ve always needed to be in a relationship. In my 30’s, I finally grew up and am completely comfortable with just being with myself.

In December of 2014, I was offered an opportunity that I thought would change my career and open so many wonderful doors for me. I left my pretty decent job at a mental health agency that paid me more than this new opportunity would, but I decided to take a leap of faith. My mom, who has worked for Ramsey County for almost 20 years, said taking this opportunity would be a really good idea and really change things for the better (career wise). I accepted the offer and put a resignation in at the mental health agency I had only been with a very short time.

I was a little sad to leave a job I have done on and off for 3 years but I thought I needed a break from working in home based services providing mental health services. I’m in school for counseling, I surely need a break, I thought to myself. So I felt I made a great decision and was excited for my new journey.

On January 26th, 2015, I entered the world of Hennepin County. There was a large orientation at the Hennepin County Government Center. It was an extremely large orientation (60+). I listened intently to all the welcoming presentations and quickly signed up for the amazing health and dental benefits. I thought I had made it. I thought working for the largest county in Minnesota was going to lead to bigger and better things fairly quickly since my foot was already in the door.

At my second interview, I was told there would be six months of in depth training on the government assistance programs I would be working with as a “Human Services Representative” (HSR). My interviewers said it was going to be a very interactive, hands on, thorough training that would set me up to be a successful and efficient HSR. I was sold. No mention of numbers, accuracy, etc.

Day one of orientation went by quickly and I couldn’t wait to get started on learning about government assistance programs that I have helped so many of my clients sign up for in my previous positions within mental health. I always heard complaints from my clients about the entire system, how they didn’t understand why things were the way they were, why it was always so hard to get someone on the phone from the county, why they always had to fill out so much paperwork, and always provide so much “extra stuff”. I never sympathized, but tried my best to empathize. I always told them to just follow the rules and they will get what they need. Honestly, in the back of my mind on Day Two, I was set to learn about everything regarding health care, food support, and other programs. I was set to be the best HSR and make things easier for clients on the other end because I knew how they felt about the “system”.

Day two, there was a lot of computer set up, tours, etc. I was overwhelmed but making my first friend on that second day made things so much better. As time went on, more and more access issues to programs on our laptops would come up. It was odd because over half of my lab group didn’t have access to the major systems we would be working on daily (MAXIS and MMIS). I didn’t have access and I was frustrated. I started to notice a lot of disorganizations in our trainings. But I was just rolled with it once my computer issues were worked out.

I was scolded for reading during our downtime (waiting around for other people) by one of the HSR mentors. “If a supervisor catches you reading, you could get in trouble so put that away”, I was told. I was extremely baffled. Am I in grade school? I thought. I put whatever I was reading away and never did it again, afraid I would get scolded again. The same mentor for not having the correct training material on hand scolded me again. It was never given to me, I told her. And she responded, well why not? A friend passed it to me and she walked away, displeased.

Scott and I (the friend I made the second day) sat next to each other and I guess talked quietly to each other when we were waiting for our lap group members to catch up. I didn’t think of it as a concern because we weren’t distracting anyone, and we were adult enough to do so if we were just sitting around waiting for others. After 2-3 weeks, I was called into one of the supervisor’s office. I was unsure why. My friendship with Scott was deemed “inappropriate” and “things needed to stop”, I was told. What needed to stop? What was inappropriate? That a man and a woman had made friends and talked to one another? Nothing more was said then, “we have noticed your friendship as inappropriate”. Never told why, or how but I felt threatened. Once again, afraid to speak up like the 32-year adult I am and feeling like I had been in the principal’s office, I nodded and said this will not be a problem. Scott no longer sat next to me and we made sure we were never really seen around each other a lot. We both worried that our friendship could cost us this job so we kept quiet. Is any of this starting to sound ridiculous to you?

In our training group, there were about 45 of us, split into two lab groups. There were many personalities, different maturity levels, and of course, everyone learned at different paces. I respected everyone who respected me. One day, maybe two months in, I was having a conversation with a new friend (female, of course). Suddenly, a woman in front of us who actually had the cubicle next to mine, turns around with annoyance and says, “Like oh my god, I’m Natalia and I’m so annoying”, and turns back around. I believe this woman was in her 40’s. I leave the room and burst into tears. Once again, I could not believe a working professional could act like that. Ok, sure, I should not have been having a side conversation but was I the only one in the room of 20 talking to one another? I felt singled out again, but this time by a fellow co-worker. An HSR mentor did approach me and asked if I was okay and asked if she should say something to a supervisor about this situation. I was afraid to lose my job for some reason and said, no it’s fine, and I’ll get over it. I wiped my tears and re-entered the room and didn’t speak for the rest of the day. I never received an apology from my co-worker and she eventually acted like we were friends. High school.

Next thing that happened, with that target on my back was something I thought would never happen to me as a 32 year old woman. I was victim of cyber bullying. I’m not going to sit here and write about the other people involved. It was more about the fact how my supervisors handled the whole thing. I was a nervous wreck every day at work, worried, anxious, depressed that maybe what was written was true. I had meetings with the supervisors whom I reported this to. I was always told, “We are investigating this and taking this very serious”. I tried to put my faith that I would get my justice. With the target still on my back, I didn’t. I was told that it was partially my fault for what happened and nothing, absolutely NOTHING was done. Cyber bullying is a serious matter. And according to Hennepin County’s standards and policies that they drill on us daily, this is something is inexcusable and will not be tolerated. Well it was and I was left, feeling more depressed about the job, and completely beaten down by the system at Hennepin County.

I eventually moved to my “region” at the Hopkins Human Services site. Things were not better there either, since we were all still part of “onboarding” and had to meet with a very unprofessional supervisor, who bullied us into getting our numbers up and our accuracy rate higher. I thought this job was a joke, but I will say, this is a really hard job and we should’ve been paid way more than we were for all the things we had to remember and read through and process. I respect my co-workers who are still there doing a really difficult job at a low pay.

All in all, I was let go on July 8th, for having too many errors. I knew it was coming and I was relieved. I had been interviewing for positions in the mental health field since end of March. I was ready to go. But I will sum up what is wrong with the hell I went through in those 6 months:

Conflicting leadership directives

  1. a) Supervisors, Trainers, Mentors…the ‘correct’ answer depends on who you ask and who completes review
  2. b) Supervisory Staffs are specialized; not versed in ALL programs

Accountability focused vs. client focused

  1. a) The priority and focus is staff behavior, not customer care or client outcomes
  2. b) We receive emails warning of clients and ‘incidents’ that took place yet there’s no conversation of what HC did wrong in the situation or what should have taken place…no responsibility or accountability on HC whatsoever.

“Serving Residents” is the claimed statement of Hennepin County yet nothing in onboarding implies that or instructs on how to successfully accomplish that.

  • High expectations of low-level staff, low expectations of high-level staff
  1. a) Dress attire – supervisors wear leggings, converse, show cleavage regularly and dresses much shorter than ‘policy’, wear muumuus w sports jacket and sandals, wear hats
  2. b)Punctuality – Depending on the day you may see any staff rolling in while onboarding awaits their morning check-in’ yet we’re told “we have the right to end your probationary period at any time”
  • Hostile work environment
  1. a)Onboarding is like ”Survivor,” you never know what supervisor is plotting against you or why; if you question you’re reminded… “We have the right to end your probationary period at any time”
  2. b) If you’re wrongfully accused of anything (i.e. making a noise in class) by a mentor another mentor who never fails to show their high-level of unprofessionalism not deny these accusations or you will be deemed “disrespectful & insubordinate” and be targeted, harassed and made an example of daily; giving supervisors an exciting opportunity to display their power and true colors.

I’m glad this chapter of my life is over and I made a best friend out of the whole experience. Kind of made it all worth it. Thanks, Scott. 🙂

Love you forever

Posted: July 5, 2015 in family, Music
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It’s been over a month since I’ve lost someone special to me. I didn’t realize how hurt I was until what would’ve been his 33rd birthday passed.

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(I have a lot of Jake’s artwork all over in my apartment, and these stickers are all over my fridge).

I’m going to be open and honest because not being so can only hurt me. I’ve been struggling with a lot of depressive symptoms. I didn’t realize it until the last week or so. I don’t work out or meditate as often; two things which are extremely important to me. During the week, work really brings me down. I do not like my job. I continuously look for new opportunities and submit my resume. I could go into details about why I despise my job but I will spare everyone.

People will read this and think, well who doesn’t hate their job? What job isn’t stressful? And I understand this, but my background and passion is mental health and counseling. I took this opportunity with the largest county in Minnesota thinking it would open doors for me. I thought it would provide me with a break from mental health and counseling while I concentrate on finishing up my master’s program. It hasn’t. The amount of pressure on us in this on boarding training process has hit a point where it’s ridiculous and I just can’t take much more. Rather than not doing anything about changing my situation, I’m being proactive about getting this work stress out of my life.

Nine hours each day, I’m irritable, hopeless, and literally holding back tears. Jake will constantly cross my mind because I know I will never see him again. He won’t be coming over to his brother’s condo to visit me and annoy me with his constant positivity and his big smile. Not being able to ever see that beautiful smile again kills me. I took it for granted. I took him for granted.

My mom and I have conversations about him when we have our weekly phone calls. We decided that we’d go on a trip to Hawaii, a place that was so incredibly dear to his heart.

I made a “Jake Mix” on my Spotify and put it onto a CD. Some days it brings me to tears, some days it lifts me up. Music is powerful and therapeutic, especially at a time when I’m struggling to get in touch with the world.

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For Kuba:

  1. Lovely Day – ALT J
  2. Hummingbird – Alex Clare
  3. Wiseman (acoustic) – Slightly Stoopid
  4. Tranquility – 311
  5. Angels – The XX
  6. Walk On the Ocean – Toad the Wet Sprocket
  7. Everything Falls Apart – Sugar Ray
  8. Don’t Stop – Slightly Stoopid
  9. Cry for You – September
  10. Finally Moving – Pretty Lights
  11. One Too Many Mornings – The Chemical Brothers
  12. Pictures of You – The Cure
  13. Silence (DJ Tiesto remix) – Delirium & Sarah McLachlan
  14. If You Were Here – Cary Brothers
  15. We Own the Sky – M83
  16. One Love – Bob Marley & The Wailers
  17. Creep – Radiohead
  18. Tears in Heaven – Eric Clapton
  19. Paper planes – M.I.A
  20. February Stars (live version) – Foo Fighters
  21. Over the Rainbow – Israel Kamakawiwo ‘ole
  22. Love is my Religion (acoustic version) – Ziggy Marley

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I love you, Jake. Forever and ever. :*)

Tears in Heaven

Posted: May 12, 2015 in family, Music
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I lost someone special. I called him my god brother since my mom is his godmother and loves him like her own son. His name was Jake or in Polish, we called him Kuba.

I grew up with him and his fraternal twin brother, Mark. They are my brothers from another mother. You don’t know how much you love someone until they are gone.

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Jake introduced me to electronic/house/trance music and the “rave” culture. I was so intrigued by it all and continue to listen to electronic/house/trance music. He was passionate about music and art and was a talent. He always had a smile on his face despite the pain he felt inside. All he ever wanted was to be loved, hugged, and loved more.

Jake and I shared a special bond. We both talked about how we felt lost in life and we could never find our place in it. Somehow, I find the strength to keep on trucking a long despite the curveballs life throws at you. I am fortunate to not struggle with a severe mental illness that gets in the way of living your life and being able to completely cope with its stressors.

Jake struggled with Bipolar for years and he ever found the help and comfort he really needed. Being a mental health professional, I wish I could’ve done something, something more. I wish I could’ve saved him from his tortured mind. In the end, he took his own life.

I lost a free spirit, I lost a friend, I lost a brother.

My heart is heavy for you, Kuba. I will love you forever and always.

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Rave on

:*)

“Beyond the door
There’s peace, I’m sure
And I know there’ll be no more
Tears in heaven”
-Eric Clapton

I haven’t had any time to think, let alone relax and breathe, since I’ve started my new government job. And I also decided to take 2 courses in my graduate program, which was an incredibly bad idea. Lately, I’ve been feeling uninspired and a lot of that has to do with my job being all-consuming and I’m surrounded by 40 new hires, in which half of the people treat our training like high school.

I don’t get a chance to explore new music during the workweek and it does leave me feeling unbalanced and leaving me feeling uninspired. I can’t blame all these feelings on work, it’s also the end of winter (technically/officially spring but still COLD) and I wasn’t noticing any new music from my favorite artists until I started looking for it. I don’t listen to the radio very often so I did a little research on “new album releases in 2015) and that opened the door for new music!

I never took the time to notice all the new music that has already been released since January. The first to come out of the gates for me was Marilyn Manson’s, “Pale Emperor”. After all of this time, he still remains true to his artistry. Pale Emperor still has his signature haunting voice set to an industrial rock groove. “Deep Six” and “Killing Strangers” have to be my favorite tracks. He can be so creepy and eerie and I love it.

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Fall Out Boy, an alternative rock band I’ve sporadically followed, came out with American Beauty/American Psycho and I took another notice at these guys. Their single “Centuries” is by far my favorite since their single “Dance, Dance” in 2006. “Uma Thurman” is another fantastic, catchy single from this album. Leader singer, Patrick Stump, also has a signature sound that I find endearing. I saw this band open up for one of my long time favorites, Blink 182, and I really enjoyed their set. I may have missed them on their recent tour, but I’ll hopefully catch them next time.

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The month of February gave us another anticipated album from another one of my favorites, Imagine Dragons. “Smoke + Mirrors” is the second album from these guys and I feel I waited too long. I listened to their first album, “Night Visions” constantly in 2012 that I actually started to resent hearing “Radioactive” on the radio. BUT their new album was far from disappointing and I’m in love all over again. “I Bet My Life’ is the first single from their sophomore album and already overplayed. Thanks radio. Luckily, the rest of the album is an easy listen to a lot of catchy sounds that definitely give a little bounce in your step.

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The month of March has not been disappointing. I have been listening to the new AWOLNATION album “Run” non-stop. He hasn’t had a new release since end of 2011. I listened to his other album, “Megalithic” too much when I was going to see him live that I’ve needed a break. I forgot how great he is. This new album is great, full of his mixture of funky ballads. He has been described as having “electronic, rock” sound and that describes him perfectly.

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Another album that has struck a chord with me is from Modest Mouse and their album “Strangers to Ourselves”. I first took notice of them in college when “Float On” was a big hit. I will say the radio reminded me of how much I love these guys. “Lampshades on Fire” caught me attention and I gave the whole album a listen to and these guys are still great and quirky. Isaac Brock’s (lead singer) sound will put a smile on your face.

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Wednesday, April 1st, marks the second quarter in album releases and I’m looking forward to more new music. (New Passion Pit and Blur coming my way!)

Until next time!

I Love The 90’s: The Flicks

Posted: January 19, 2015 in Music
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A lot of my friends know that I am a huge fan of the 90’s and all things that entail the 90’s. Music is definitely number one. Along with music come memorable movies with memorable and awesome soundtracks.

Here are some of my favorite flicks from the 90’s with “bomb” soundtracks….

CLUELESS (1995)

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ROMEO AND JULIET (1996)

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CRUEL INTENTIONS (1999)

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CAN’T HARDLY WAIT (1998)

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NOW & THEN (1995)

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THE CRAFT (1996)

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10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU (1999)

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EMPIRE RECORDS (1995)

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PRETTY WOMAN (1990)

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FORREST GUMP (1994)

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MY GIRL (1991)

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REALITY BITES (1994)

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BATMAN FOREVER (1995)

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SCREAM 2 (1997)

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THE FACULTY (1998)

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AMERICAN PIE (1999)

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Playlist:

  1. It Must Have Been Love – Roxette (Pretty Woman)
  2. My Girl – The Temptations (My Girl)
  3. All I Want Is You – U2 (Reality Bites)
  4. Tempted – Squeeze (Reality Bites)
  5. Stay – Lisa Loeb & Nine Stories (Reality Bites)
  6. Baby, I Love Your Way – Big Mountain (Reality Bites)
  7. Fortunate Son – CCR (Forrest Gump)
  8. Go Your Own Way – Fleetwood Mac (Forrest Gump)
  9. Sugar, Sugar – The Archies (Now & Then)
  10. Kids in America – The Muffs (Clueless)
  11. Kiss From A Rose – Seal (Batman Forever)
  12. Til I Hear It From You – The Gin Blossoms (Empire Records)
  13. Talk Show Host – Radiohead (Romeo + Juliet)
  14. Lovefool – The Cardigans (Romeo + Juliet)
  15. Local God – Everclear (Romeo + Juliet)
  16. Your Lucky Day in Hell – The Eels (Scream 2)
  17. Dammit – Blink 182 (Can’t Hardly Wait)
  18. The Kids Aren’t Alright – The Offspring (The Faculty)
  19. Bittersweet Symphony – The Verve (Cruel Intentions)
  20. Colorblind – Counting Crows (Cruel Intentions)
  21. Fat Lip – Sum 41 (American Pie)
  22. Sway – Big Runga (American Pie)
  23. N.T – Semisonic (10 Things I Hate About You)
  24. Dangerous Type – Letters to Cleo (10 Things I Hate About You)
  25. How Soon is Now? – The Smiths (The Craft)
  26. Tomorrow Never Knows – Our Lady Peace (The Craft)